The Wholf's Den

Yaya B-Daya

2006-02-06T01:29:00.000-08:00

Hey, it's been a while. I've been staying out--helping the family,
working out a little, trying to play get back in the guitar mood
(basically trying to have a life off of the computer again)--so I haven't
been on much lately. Anyway, I've had alot of fun recently. It was my
birthday, and my mom and grandparents REALLY went all out on this one. I
had a chocolate cake, some boxes of pocky *drool*, a little Princess Leia
thing *major DROOL*, $20, a Fantastic 4 game that hooks into the tv with
the little color cords, and the best part of all... is...

A NEW BIBLE!!!!!!!!

Sorry hehe.. But it is cool! It's a teen/student Bible that has all these
little tidbits in them, like "Tips on Becoming a Faithful Man" and stuff!
I SO have to make it up to her. I think I'm going to buy her flowers for
her birthday. But not the plastic little things that I usually get from
Walmart, I'm goin to buy her REAL FRICKIN ROSES! That's right, the $30
ones that you can only get in those big-city flower places. I might have
to get Brian to help me pick some out for her, since I really don't even
get why they like them so much (which means that I obviously don't know
what type to get).. Hmm.. This'll be interesting. ^_^

I gotta go to the cat scan people at 9 a.m., and I ain't looking forward
to that.. I think they're gonna draw blood again, and I hope it's easier
then it usually is.

Anyway, X Japan is calling me. ^_^ Bye!

Wow.. I'm very giddy right now. XD

Life After Death

2006-01-25T22:24:00.000-08:00

Heh. Different people, same things. It's kinda weird, to step back for a second and look at the world through their eyes. Of course, half of the world is still stuck on the "depressed teenager" mode, no matter how old that fad has gotten. It must be the "in" thing, I spose. That's why Meat Loaf woulda changed his mind right about now.

I was watching the "Life After Death" music video by KJ-52 (yes, I did buy the whole CD mainly so I could watch the MVs on the 2nd disc. It was amazing. It really captured the energy and seriousness of the situation goin on. I may not be the most emotionally mature person in the world, but i'll admit it, I was cryin by the end of it. He did an amazing job at keeping the "hard rock" feel to it, even if, no doubt, it keeps to the rap roots.

I can't say much like I usually do. No ramblings about how sad I am, no complaining to do here. I'm glad, I remember how lucky I have it. And everytime I say that, it somehow ends up getting someone mad. Well, you know where to get it. And without further ado, here's the lyrics for "Life After Death" (i'm puttin them all up; I don't think the chorus does the whole thing justice):

"Life After Death"

I rolled out of bed as the alarm started going off
rubbed my head with my arm it was the crack of dawn
I'm late for work and I really just hate my job
I kissed my wife goodbye then I walked across the lawn
Got the car out of the driveway and I'm riding on the road past the mall past the highway I'm flying on
But it slows to a crawl because some guy was just driving wrong
And I'm getting mad because I wonder why it's going on
Get out of the way I just scream as I'm driving on
I hate my day and this way that it's starting off
I change lanes and I thought I was pulling on to
The main lane but just then I saw this green honda
It straight came next thing it was the window shattered
Felt a great pain my body being bruised and battered
It all changed went black and I knew I'd had it
I coughed blood I breathed my last breath that was it

Chorus:
What ya gonna do when ya when there's no time left
What ya gonna do when you take the last step?
What ya gonna do when ya breathe your last breath
Out ya chest and ya find out there's life after death?

Next thing I know everything it just gets real quiet.
I open my eyes to my suprise now it's real silent
I realize I've died now it's my judgement
I'm standing before the Most Hight now and all of sudden
He said to me why should I let you into my heaven?
I told God well really I'm a good person
He showed my life and all the times now that I was sinning
Every line to every curse to every bad decision
From every lie to every word there was nothing hidden
He showed how Christ died and with my life that I'd killed him
He showed time after time how I'd reject him
I never cared about the sacrifice God had given
I never cared about my life or the way that I'd lived it.
And now I've died and it's too late to be forgiven
Guilty of my crime I'm sentenced to eternal prison
It's dark I'm alone I feel my flesh burning

Chorus

I got out of bed as the alarm started going off
Scratched my head and then I yawned it was the crack of dawn
I'm praying and I'm thanking God I got my job
I kissed my wife goodbye then I walked across the lawn
Got in the car out of the driveway and I'm riding on
The road by mall past the highway that I'm driving on
It slows to crawl because some guy was driving wrong
But I'm not mad I just wonder why it's just going on
I use the time to pray for my family now and for my mom
I'm thanking God for the way my day is strarting off
I change lanes and I thought I was pulling on to
The main lane but doesn't that guy see my green honda
He straight came next thing it was the window shattered
Felt a great pain my body being bruised and battered
It all changed went black and then I knew I'd had it
I coughed blood I breathed my last breath that was it

Chorus

Garth

2006-01-23T21:30:00.000-08:00

Alright, today was a mess--a REAL mess. I had to walk my uncle through getting rid of spyware--over the phone, which ain't easy to do. And I got drunk again today, DRUNK drunk, while listenin to Garth Brooks (good times, eh?) on permanent repeat. And Kristin? How the fuck can "Garth" be a fenemin name?! Them's fightin words right there, dumbass. Heh.

Everything's spiraling out of control again, but I think I can avoid the worst part, since I (finally) know the cause. And now that I do, I have to laugh. Knowing all the harm it's caused over the years, and knowing all of the emotional scars it's left, I still have to laugh. Go figure. I never figured it'd happen, but fuck it. It's over--kinda. I still have some things to sort through, as always, but I feel kinda good. Of course, it could be the music (we all got friends in low places, when you think about it) in me. I'm still workin on the drum solo for it (damn straight, I decided it could use one), but I think it's a little insulting to Garth and the music to alter the song that much..

I think i'm goin to go to bed, i've had too much to drink. It's never really occured to me until now, but it's fuckin illegal as hell for me to have this shit. Go figure. But it is in good spirits; I usually only drink because i'm pissed and need to vent (and lord knows the only time me OR Jay are willin to vent/listen for each other are when we're drunk). It's kind of sad; the musical tastes I have. When i'm mad, I can headbang along to Youth Gone Wild, or dance along to Holding Out For A Hero (yes, I really do the footloose thing). But when i'm sad/depressed, I like to feel the motions of Rod Stewart and Billy Joel. And then, when I feel my southern roots start kickin in, nothing gets played in my CD player other then Lynyrd Skynyrd.. Or Garth Brooks(on occassion). Fuck it. I'm weird. The end.

Friends In Low Places (Chorus)

'Cause I've got friends in low places

Where the whiskey drowns

And the beer chases my blues away

And I'll be okay

I'm not big on social graces

Think I'll slip on down to the oasis

Oh, I've got friends in low places

The Infamous 3rd Verse

I guess I was wrong

I just don't belong

But then, I've been there before

And everything is alright

I'll just say goodnight

And I'll show myself to the door

I didn't mean to cause a big scene

Just wait 'til I finish this glass

Then sweet little lady

I'll head back to the bar

And you can kiss my ass

Fuck them

2006-01-23T00:42:00.000-08:00

It's 2:40 a.m. at the time of writing this, and I haven't accomplished anything I set out to do at 7:00 p.m. today--er, yesterday. I've been blasting Aerith's Theme for about 3 hours straight, repeating the melody from which I draw my life source. I had a friend download some Final Fantasy sheet music for me (guess which song), and he's working on transferring it from piano to guitar--which isn't doing much good to me since I can't read music (funny how it's just occurring to me how stupid the idea was). Anyway, let's hope we can make the transfer acceptable--lord knows that Beth doesn't sound as good.

Shit I have to go to bed; I have to get up at 4:00. Heh, I doubt that counts for the apropriate ammount of sleep. And staying up like this sure as fuck ain't helpin my "depression", as those psychos at the shrink's office call it. Fuck them up the royal ass. I don't need them to tell me how to live my life.

Anyway, i've been sorting through my emotions lately; trying to make sense of my feelings. She likes someone else. And she doesn't like me, either. She does like me, but it just ain't happenin. And then she doesn't like me, either. Fuck it. What does a dude have to do to get a woman nowadays? Everybody fuckin leads you on, and then decides to fall over some Fabio-wannabe. Same shit every fuckin time. And this time my music ain't helpin any. I can't stand to pick up my guitar (the flashbacks are a fuckin pain in the ass), but any other guitar just doesn't sound as good. Crying over a fuckin guitar. How fuckin pathetic. I can't believe I sunk to this level. Maybe i'll end up like a white Curtis Lowe. Been there before; ain't afraid to go there again.

Good night to all. Godspeed to those of you that need it; you know who you are. Of course, you probably don't. Dontcha just hate it when people say that and you ain't sure if it's you or not? Fuckin a, man, fuckin a.

6 List (2)

2006-01-21T23:55:00.000-08:00

Another musical list-type thing. Just a few that relatively(a.k.a. in their own way) describe my emotions at the moment; nothing real special. I'm not really even sure what I feel at the moment, but I still have a F.U. attitude, so I think I might be alright heh.

6 Songs That Describe the Way I Feel Right Now

(In no particular order)

"Toy Soldiers" by Martika
"Layla" by Eric Clapton
"Maggie May" by Rod Stewart
"Blowin' In The Wind" by Bob Dylan
"I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" by The Proclaimers
"I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2

There. Finished. It's almost 2:30 a.m., so i'm going off to bed. Good night people, have a good one.

Umm...

2006-01-20T14:20:00.000-08:00

Sitting here in the darkness of the living room, I come to realize alot about myself. I learn to sort the lies of the past from the lies of tomorrow, and I learn to sort through the images i've put up, fragments of the truth. And as I lean over to press the repeat button on my old, beatdown excuse for a CD Player, I finally understand the true meaning behind Tears In Heaven. I knew that Clapton did an amazing job on the song, but I could never really comprehend the true meaning and beauty of it. Maybe I know what I should be doing. But maybe I don't.

Blood

2006-01-17T09:51:00.000-08:00

I got real pissed off today, like.. REAL EFFIN PISSED. Fuck I hate the cityfolk. Gotta go out of their way to piss me off, and then laugh at me. I put another dent in the wall, and i'm pretty sure mom'll kick my ass (actually, no she won't, she'll just give me a three hour lecture, and i'll feel guilty as shit.. which I am) when she gets home. But long story short, well, mostly.., I did the usual to calm down (and get a little more pissed before I calmed down), the whole music bit. That's right (if anyone I know is actually reading this; cause if you know me, you sure as hell better know what i'm talkin about), I still do the music deal. I bet I look pretty pathetic/insane/whatever you wanna call it. In fact, I know I do, but it works, so I don't mind roughin it.

Anyway, after the 8th song started on my mix CD--which happens to be "Show Me the Way" by Frampton--I got sick. I'm not talkin about the usual under-the-weather puke or anything like that, i'm talkin vomittin like a texan well-digger in Alaska.. But I think we southerns are the only ones that get that joke. It was disgusting, though. Blood and all, nose bleedin too. I don't know what happened, and frankly, i'm not sure I want to know. At first I thought the nosebleeds and puking were part of puberty or whatever, but J told me he hadn't ever had them like that. Damnit, I need a father-figure-type-person. I would call Brian, but yknow, I can't ask for his help on this shit. I don't need to keep asking him for help; he won't always be there to help me. Damnit I wish I was old enough to see my old man, despite the fact that we'd probably pass licks until I got knocked the hell out..

I'm thinking about adopting a dad or somethin, if that's even possible. I should call up the adoption agency and see heh. But yea, definately gotta find someone. I had the brilliant(sense the sarcasm?) idea to talk to Val's old man, but i'm sure that would'a been a mess.. And maybe a little funny:

"Hello, remember me? I'm the dude who had that brief conversation with you about music.. Y'know, Val's friend that you're convinced is about 30? Yea, that's me. How ya been? Yea? I got a few guy problems that I wanted to ask you about. WAIT! DON'T LEAVE!! ..The motherfucker left. I can't believe it, that's the third time today!!" ....XD

Haha I should do it, if only for shits and grins. But yea, I think I should just give it up. Fuck, it's probably just a phase i'm going through or somethin; i'm prolly not getting enough nutrition or something. Oh yea, and those books are cool as hell. I didn't think wine had so many uses.. Hehehee.. I think I wanna go play pool today. I doubt I can, but i'll try--I have a new cue (kinda.. had it for about a year, never even put it together) I wanna use.

Hot Legs

2006-01-16T22:04:00.000-08:00

Just one.. fuckin.. picture.. of her legs. I'm sure they're sexy as hell (if that's weird to you, then don't blame me. I can't control my fucked up fetishes).. But that's all I wanted. But my fuckin computer fucked up. Or her's did. Or she blocked me(I wonder why, cuz everyone loves meh). Whatever.. DAMN YOU, YA SEXEH REINDEER LADEH!! ..But anyway, I think i'm going to go read these "sexual education" books.. More like "pleasin yo bitch" books hehe. But they are a good read, and even I learnt some stuff.

Anyway, enough about that.. ON TO THE PLEASING!! Hahahaa..

G'nite all; and Reindeer lady? I'm going to kick your ass if I don't get that pic the next time I see you haha. But you coulda got caught by the folks or somethin; god knows Me and David's been caught in some RIDICULOUS situations with bitches.. And most of em are funny as hell hehe.

6 List (1)

2006-01-15T23:03:00.000-08:00

Nothing to really post about at the moment, so I figured I would make a little list-type thingy.. About music, of course! Well, here it is:

6 Songs That Describe the Way I Feel Right Now

(In no particular order)

"Hold On Loosely" by 38 Special
"Show Me the Way" by Peter Frampton
"We're an American Band" by Grand Funk Railroad
"I Believe in Me" by KISS
"Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd
"Cum On Feel the Noize" by Quiet Riot

There ya go- nothing too fancy, but enough to be a post.. right? Well piss off if you don't think it is hehe.. Anyway, I think i'm going to go listen to some music or somethin.. Well, ciao.

Bitch

2006-01-15T01:17:00.000-08:00

Not much to talk about, really. Me and mom sat down and watched Rocky Horror tonight, and that suprised me. She never was the type to take trannys so lightly (even if it is fuckin hilarious).

Emotions've been running wild lately; I don't know what to do or where to store them. Conversations aren't helping, lately, and death isn't an option this time, so i'm fucked. Blind again, passion is anger, and all that other fucked up shit that we used to think was poetic. Big news for you, guys, it ain't. Nothing beautiful about it. Simple lust for rage. Save me? Fuck that. I'll take my own life before someone sets me up.

Remember the time that we first met? You didn't know me. But I knew you. I had studied you (not stalked), I had fallen in love. But you didn't know me. I dreamt of all the things we could do together; of all the romantic things I would do to make you smile. But you didn't know me. And when I finally got the courage to talk to you, you didn't know me. God damnit, you didn't fucking know me. You didn't even give me the chance to say hello, you just accused me of being a stranger, even though I probably knew more about you then your parents did. I still have anger built inside of me, all of it is because of you. Take a guess why.

Y'know what, i'm really feelin shitty right now, so i'm about to go get something to drink (and a major Fuck You if you're opposed to it). So fuck one, fuck all, and have a wonderfully twisted day. Bitch.

We're fucked.

2006-01-13T23:42:00.000-08:00

We're fucked. That's all we can come up with- we're fucked. Bitches are attracted to nothing but money. Always have been, always will be. I mean, the only thing we had was our guns and our hair, but we ain't worked out in decades.. and.. according to about every bitch I ask, the hair isn't sexy anymore. Now everyone digs the frail little pussies pullin a helluva lot of Milli Vanilli acts on the stages lately. Fuck those jackasses, man. I wouldn't ever go out with a dude that ain't got an ounce of meat on his bones.. 'course.. I wouldn't go out with a dude at all, but that's not the point.

The point is, as fucked up as it may be, we're fucked up the royal ass. We might as well go fuckin queer and start sucking for money. Atleast that way we'd get laid every once in a while. If we could get lucky like Rod Stewart, we could get all the bitches we want; even if he has gone through a helluva lot of problems in his lifetime. I wonder how many cunts he had crawlin after him when he put out Hot Legs?

And of course, once again, we're fucked. Nothin to offer. There was also sex. I mean, we may be young, but we got trained by the best, so we could please any bitch. But now bitches don't even care about sex. As long as it's with someone famous, they don't fucking care if they don't get any satisfaction. They can wait till they have some alone time and pleasure themselves. Fuck it.

Oh, and Val: Nobody you know. Atleast I don't think you know her. She'd probably have killed your ass by now, if you had met her. Hehe.. Take you to homecomin? I couldn't up there, the gentleman is supposed to be accustomed to the school. And I don't think you would be very welcomed at Brookwood.. But Ardmore might be a little different. I mean, I suppose I could take you. Do they have homecoming games up there? Because afterwords, we used to goof off with the dudes and the chicks. Such fun..

I've been thinking it over lately, and I made a decision. When I go back to school, I will (most likely) have my internet shut off. With school fees and all, I can use the extra money, and I doubt having the internet to taunt me will help when i'm doin homework. I'll give a warning to all three of you thats reading this, before I do, though, so don't no one worry. Hehe..

Final Goodbye

2006-01-12T18:08:00.000-08:00

Fuck.. I haven't really been on the computer much in the past couple of days or so, i've been trying really hard to rethink my life. Heh, hell of a statement, coming from me and all. I haven't got a chance to call Josh again, i'm kinda scared to. It's been a while..

But anyway, I finally finished reading Gravitation and The Candidate for Goddess. Gravitation was truly amazing, I mean, it was cool as fuck hehe.. And CfG? It ended just when it was getting good, just like Pilot Candidate (the English cartoon interpretation of the manga). I had forgotten that Ernest died (I ain't seen Pilot Candidate since way back when), so it hit me like a gold fuckin brick. Man that sucked, and i'll be damned if I don't include him in one of my fanfics.

I'm tryin to get to church, but with me without a job and all, I don't have a way to get there. I'm not even sure if I want to go back. Hell, i'd probably be fine for a few more years.. Until I die. Then it'll be a whole fuckin mess. So i'm not sure what to do..

To the lone wolf: I suppose this is our final goodbye, then? Well, you know i'll always love you, so the best to ya. And remember, there's always hope. Just come down here sometimes. We'll drink, kiss, fuck, whatever you want; and then i'll give you a long boring-but-heartfull lecture about how good life can be. It'll be like old times hehe. But yea, best of luck babe. And if you catch that dude being an ass to you again, give me a call give me a call and i'll drive up there and kick his ass. And I still have that movie.. Hehe.. So long, then..

Mony Mony Lmfao

2006-01-09T22:30:00.000-08:00

Man.. My head.. Is hurting like a mothafucker. I've been recollecting my thoughts, lately, and i'm not so sure what i'm going through. I can't even figure out if i'm the one thinking it, or if it's these blasted disorders. Maybe I should just give up on this whole deal. I mean, fuck it, it's not like my "dreams", if you will, are going to come true. Maybe that's the source of many of my problems, anyway.

And my new project is coming along alright, however slow that might be. I guess Alison will have to live with a fiction series, because there ain't no way in hell that i'm going to write another review. I just can't fuckin do it. Anyway, it's off to bed for me.

To the lone wolf: I told you to go easy on the fuckin dude! You're the city person, you're supposed to be the one that thinks things through. Well, I can't really think of anything that you can do. I ran away in this situation, everyone was after me. But I suppose you could turn yourself in. It's not like you did anything too bad. You could always spend a week or two over here. I promise I won't lay a hand on ya, but I can't say nothing about my buds. You'll prolly have to fight them off with a sixshot haha. Well, i'm sorry I can't offer anything other then protection, I ain't like I used to be. Best to ya, though..

josh: talking 1

2006-01-07T23:32:00.000-08:00

Great news. I finally got a chance to talk to Josh today, which comes as a great relief (..whenever I get the balls to call him, his mom or sister answer, and they still hold me responsible for all of the trouble he got into; and ignore me.. which I might be the cause). Anyway, he's doing pretty well, despite a few legal problems. Here's the story so far, in his words (actually, i'm just putting down most of everything that I can remember him saying):

Yeah dude, I got arrested, like we all ways said that I would, but it was in the process of doing something good. You know that I ended up hanging out with a bad crowd towards the end of your stay at Brookwood, right? Well, I spent about all of 2005 abusing drugs. Weed, coke, whatever I could get. But lately I have been attending some rehab programs, and i've been doing real well.

The way I got arrested was actually kind of funny.. In a way. I was hanging out at a friend's house, and his dad started smoking a joint. And I was thinking, "Oh no! Man, I gotta get out of here, if I don't I know that i'll end up smokin weed." And since I live in practically a whole different county then my friend, and since his dad refused to drive me home, we took his keys. And we made it all the way down to the Wal-Mart in Tuscaloosa before I got pulled over.. for not having the lights on.

Ain't that a mothafucker? I'm going to try and call him again sometime soon. He sounds a lot better then he did the last time we talked; so much more calm. And I think i'm going to ask him about rehab. The word itself scares the fuck out of me, but I seriously need some help. I also think I want to ask him about his current standings on religion. I remember he tried his damnedest to get me saved when I was going through my wiccan phase (if that's what you'd call it), but I blew it off and pretty much called him an ass. I mean, I really think I should get in touch with the man upstairs again, but I don't wanna walk into this alone.

Kristin? Do you remember that one verse I practically forced you to read.. Have you figured out the meaning of it? I doubt it, but yknow..

To muh boo: Hey there hehe.. Sorry about the hectic schedule and everything.. But, unless something goes wrong, i'm headed back home tomorrow. So, you gonna give me a welcome home fuck? Hehe just kidding.. You know I am.

To the lone wolf: In a way i'm sorry, but I think it's for the better. I'll still love ya, baby, but I don't think that I can keep going like this much longer.

Thanks, Bo

2006-01-06T23:44:00.000-08:00

Today, when me and Bo were drinking up a storm (sorry baby, it was for his wife's birthday), he pulled me outside, sat me down and told me to listen up. Usually, since I knew a lecture was coming, I would tell whoever I was talking with to piss off, but I didn't this time. He told me about how he had ran away at the age of fifteen, and how he decided he would live life on his own. He told me about the successes and losses of his fishing days; spending months at a time on the ocean. He told me about his dreams, his sweethearts, and how he often ended up wasting his whole paycheck at the titty bars and never got so much as a single blowjob in return.

Then he started givin me the facts. The fact that way back when he was a young fucker, that he didn't even need a high school diploma to get a steady paycheck. The fact that at the time, metrics were the big shit, but now you can't get anywhere without decent computer knowledge. And the fact that he knew how literate I am with computers; since he heard Brian talk about me all the time.

I was worried that he knew about my.. occasional cracking experiences (which I found out about an hour or so later that he did..), and that he was going to downsize me about how wrong it is, like so many other people do. But no, instead, he encouraged me. He told me that he'd be honest, there isn't any chance in hell that i'd create a new computer and be the next Bill Gates, but said that I can still work at IBM or Microsoft and get payed more in a month then he does in a year. And he's right, for once. I never gave Bo the credit he deserved; I figured he was just another drunk that happened to get a manager position working at Long John Silver's. But like I said, I was dead wrong.

And after a few more in-depth conversations on the subject, it hit me like a ton of fucking gold bricks (thanks to him): I have to go back to school. I will never be at the top of my class in anything, thanks to my fucked up mental disorders (or whatever you call them), but I still have to give it my all- even if i'll never get rid of my southern.. tendancies. I may always be a cold-hearted murderer (at times), but I might as well be one that has a good job. And I don't think i'm really cut out for the street life anymore. I'll always have the fighting spirit, but i'm trying to avoid that side of me.

And shit.. I have way too many mental problems (not that it's important or anything). It's so ironic, though. I used to look at people with disorders and think how much better I was, but it's so fucking obvious now. I guess I was just trying to hide the truth. But I guess it is a little funny.. All the little fuckers that said I was stupid in math class were right- I am! Hehe such irony..

To the lone wolf: I understand completely. We all have feelings of hatred (well, I do, anyway). But go easy on the guy. He's only human, right?

strawberry

2006-01-06T10:14:00.000-08:00

Ahh shit.. I don't know what's going on lately. My unc seemed to be pissed this morning, but I can't remember doing anything that made him feel that way. Maybe I really did fuck up this time.

The nightmares are coming again, and it's even worse. I once believed that they were signals telling me that I wasn't human, but I suppose it was just a childish hope-for-nothing. I don't even need a shrink this time, I know what they mean. Nothing but rage and horror. Talk about fuckin scary, wakin me up sweatin in the middle of the night. Sorry babe, but I think i'm about to hit the daiquiri. Some strawberry sounds nice.. Or maybe some M.D., if ya get my drift. Hehe, once again, nothing but strawberry.

And to the lone wolf out there: I'm honestly suprised you could figure it out- riddles are a mothafucker. Good problem-solving skills; and I know what you mean. But I get it, don't worry. It's all alright. And yea, just a few more people and we gots ourselves a gig. Maybe you could come see us sometimes? Who knows..

fudge it yo

2006-01-05T10:51:00.000-08:00

Shit.. donkeydick is right. There isn't a chance in hell that I could do it.. Fuck. Well, I suppose that hasn't stopped me before, but still.. Fuckin a, man..

Sorry I can't post much.. Once again, I have to go.

And to the lone wolf out there: I understand your concern, but there isn't going to be any problems this time around. I've learned my lesson before, since i'm stayin in my Sweet Home, Alabama.. Does watergate bother you? Tell the truth.

quick writin'

2006-01-04T13:34:00.000-08:00

I don't have much time to talk and all, since i'm at my unc's house. It's pretty much a living hellhole, with enough anxiety attacks and nervous breakdowns for anyone. I'm having to live life on my toes while i'm down here, and it's beggining to piss me off. REALLY piss me off.

Anyway, to Val: Love ya, and I hope you get to feelin better. I'm there for ya, right?

And once again, to the lone wolf out there: I'm sorry, but i'm still clueless. Perhaps you could assist me..?

short

2006-01-03T08:16:00.000-08:00

Okay, short post this time. I'm speed writing here, so I can get on the road to my unc's.

I met the dude. Well, over internet I did, anyway. And he dont sound so bad. I mean, he's nothing more then a punk, so I guess i'll give my worthless aproval anyway. But I mean it, if he does anything to her, i'll personally fly my ass down there and slice his throat. It probably wouldn't be worth it (I don't even know where London is..), but i'm dumb like that.

Quick shoutout to Val before I leave: I Love Ya Cutie!

And that's all she wrote.

>_<_>_<_>_<

2006-01-01T19:26:00.000-08:00

Shit.. I overreacted.. And underreacted. I don't know what was going through my head. I figured that I would be clever and judge what she was feeling by the pictures.. Damnit.

It's same shit different day again, but I don't remember it ever being this odd. A fucking blank fucking wall. I don't guess i'll ever learn..

Everything's happening all over again (despite a few differences). Fuck. Does it make me a sick bastard to do this shit again? Or maybe it's donkeydick's fault... Even though I don't even know the asshole.. Man I wish I had somebody to blame this on. But I can't. Because I don't know what's happening. I can't look into my past experiences for helpful guidance, since i've pretty much blockaded that shit out.

Good times. All this fuckin shit, good times. I'm beginning to think that I probably enjoy this, since I seem to walk into it so willingly. Anyway, fuck it, i'm out of here. And I probably won't be back for another week or so.

Cuteh!

2005-12-31T23:57:00.000-08:00

Oh shit.. she's so fuckin cute! I mean, Brooke ain't shit compared to her. But oh yea, she's definately an eyecatcher.. a hella beautiful. Of course, i'm not supposed to know what she looks like, but who cares? Oh yes, life is sweet right now.

But I did find out alot of things today. I mean, I found out that Kristin knew that I like her, but.. hoped it wasn't true(...?). Hell.. Maybe she knows more about me then I think, which wouldn't come as a suprise (she's pretty fuckin smart for a city person). But I still love her, no matter how much smarter then me she is. Hehe..

Yeah, today did not end up like I figured it would. Val told me she loved me. I told her that I loved her. And Kristin.. well.. I don't really know anything about what happened to Kristin today. Maybe I should have payed more attention to her.. She did seem a little bit pissed, though. Fuck.. She hasn't been having a good week either, I don't think. I guess I was caught up in my own childish feelings.. But I was(and still am) jealous of that asshole she likes. I don't know why, though; it's kind of funny. Maybe i'll see if I can talk to him. Just to see who I got so angry at. Hehe that could turn out to be a hell of a conversation; "Hello. You don't know me, but I recently wanted to kill you because of your relationship with Kristin." Haha that would actually be kind of funny, just to gauge his reaction. Because he'd have to get pissed to be good enough for her. xD

Oh man, I feel like i'm about to puke. I'm turning into a fuckin wuss again.. But the hell with it. I actually feel like stayin alive a little bit longer; to see how this all turns out. So for now.. Bye cutie!

Oh.. and for the lone wolf out there.. Sorry. I don't know what i'm supposed to do. I don't know what I should say. Maybe in time, right? Heh.

I'm.. Scared..

2005-12-30T23:10:00.000-08:00

"..But Me and Val care, ok?"

That's what she said. That's what they always say. And that will (more-then-likely) always remain the same. And that thought scares the hell out of me. I've given Kristin so many clues that it's ridiculous, and I assume that she's blown them off as cries for help. Which they might be, for all that I know.

I was going through a few search engines, trying to find out more information on what really happened to Blake (since nobody would give me a straight answer). And I found out everything about his death. Right down to the very fucking minuit that he went (don't ask how I got to it). But I discovered something very.. interesting. Blake had been diagnosed with a Brain Tumor before May 5th. But we didn't know anything about it until December. So why were we kept out of the loop? Did he hide it that fucking long? Why the hell would he do that, though? But then again, nobody else seemed real suprised when they heard the news.. But nobody cared enough about me to try and hide it, so i'm not real sure what happened..

It's coming to an end. I hate that she showed me her picture; I hate that I looked even though I knew what would happen. That's it. I'm obsessed. Always have been. Always will be. But I don't feel for her the way that I did for Brooke. I mean, I love her, but i'm not in love with her. Maybe the only reason I even have the slightest feelings for her is because of how much alike she and Brooke are. But she isn't Brooke. Brooke always had a way of encouraging me. No matter how poor and under-educated I was, she could cheer me up. No matter how over-weight and under-confident I was, she could cheer me up. Not matter how bruised and abused I was, she could cheer me up. Damnit, she could cheer me up- period.

I've been popping way too many pills lately; way too much for it to be healthy. I'm not hooked or addicted like I am with cigs, but they're the only way to get relief. I'm probably worse then my good-for-fuckin-nothing old man. I feel ridiculously lost..

I'm scared.

>_<

2005-12-29T19:01:00.000-08:00

Even though I say this pathetic phrase alot; I don't know what i'm going to do. I feel another spell(or phase, or whatever) coming on. I've noticing the mass amounts of rage that have been growing inside of me; they keep coming in short but extreme bursts of fierceness. I almost broke my knuckles today, punching the wall. But I couldn't stop myself; I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I tried with all my might to stop. But it was like I was a giant puppet; I kept on going, unable to resist for some reason.

Kristin got the brilliant idea to fuck with my head today; to give me this talk about her not being a virgin and all this other shit like that. And once again, I thought about her "loverboy", if you will, and how much I would like to strangle him with my bare fists. She later gave me this whole "i'm innocent" bullshit and said she was still a cherry. But I still have my doubts, and to this moment, my heart freezes over when I think about it. Murder. Cold-blooded murder. When the hell did I sink this low? And then a few minuites ago we were talking about makout songs and shit. And of course, by the end of it, I was severly pissed off; thinking about that mothafuckin kid that she's got the hots for. Damnit.. I'm not even sure if it's part of my problem; I could just be a jealous mothafucker. It's all blurry, I don't even know who I am anymore.

And the only thing that could make it worse, which happens to be part of the problem, is the fact that she could affect me so much with so little words. Even Brooke couldn't do this (despite the fact that I was completely loyal to her), and she was a really manipulative bitch.

Ethan.. Corey.. You've helped me so much in the past.. But my problem is surfacing again. Except it's brutally worse. If you see this, then please call me. Or email me. Or visit me. I won't ask for your help this time, I couldn't do that again. But please, I just need a friend right now.

Kidney Stone

2005-12-27T19:57:00.000-08:00

Aye yaye yaye.. I have a kidney stone! Alot of my kin folk have been prone to have them in the past, as well as all of the other diseases that seem to infect us (which I usually end up catching/getting in the end). I'm really not feeling well, and it really has nothing to do with the fact that i'm going to end up pissing out a giant thorny-thingy practically the size of a penny.

I was looking over a few photos on Christmas day, and I noticed one in particular that caught my interest. It was one of when I was about seven and a half years old, on my Baptism day. And at that moment, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Oh God, where have I gone wrong? I used to be so happy as a Christian, despite all of the personal and family problems that I had been having. I wore my plastic Cross with so much pride; I was the happiest person alive. I froze; dropped the picture. All kinds of thoughts crossed my mind; how many people I have betrayed with all kinds of sin.

So as I was thinking of these things, I did the only thing that I could do: I broke down and cried. And cried. And I cried some more. I was laying like that for almost two whole hours. What's happened to me? To my life? A few hours erlier, all I had worried about was making sure I had finished reading the next Gravitation manga, and now.. Now I was rethinking my life. I'm too ashamed, worried, to even sign into Yahoo or AIM. I guess I won't be talking to Val or Kristin tonight (or maybe even for a while).

I'm sorry to yall, and to all my other friends I usually talk to at night. I guess my life is in a crucial standstill. Not to rip off Please Teacher or anything. But like I said, im gonna go walk it off. Maybe some night air will do me some good. G'night, everyone.

Oh, and Kristin? ..The Suffering PWNS Doom III! (^_^)

Dunk.. Apology

2005-12-22T05:22:00.000-08:00

I apologize for last night's post; I was drunk as hell and obviously a little messed up in the head. I'm not going to delete the post, however; as short an time-wasting as it was, I think i'll keep it as a reminder of what happens when I drink more then i'm used to. But even though i'm southern, I sure as hell can't hold my whisky.

In between a hell of a headache I have (can I even call it a hangover? I didn't even pass out or anything. It might've been better if I had, though..), i've been looking over the past few years of my life (as always). And I just recently stumbled onto something that I had tried to forget about: my stepdad, Billy.

Me and Billy haven't ever really "clicked". I don't know why i've always hated him; even though he sure as hell didn't have his priorities straight, he still tried to be a good father. Sure, I didn't like it one bit when he almost broke my collar bone. I swore up and down it was child abuse. But it wasn't. He did take it a little too far on the punishment, but I deserved it; I was practically taunting him into it. As obvious as it is; I haven't even realized it until now. And he was always going out of his way to please me, and I was always going out of my way to make it look like he was a bad parent. I was an ungrateful asshole. End of story.

Lately.. I don't know what i'm doing. I'm not as concerned about my problem this time. I mean, it still worries me, but I have enough faith in myself to try and move on (for once). Maybe everything'll just blow over.. Heh, that'd be a relief. Right now, though, i'm actually feeling pretty confident (thanks to something that Val said earlier). Or it might be that i'm still giddy from the porn and alcohol. Who knows? But either way, I think i'm about ready to get started on writing again. That'd make Alison proud, I bet. Maybe i'm gonna be alright in the long run. Oh well, I gotta start unloading the dishes, so I guess i'll be off.

Oh shit.. Im like drunk and shit adn i'm real sik so ya knoq. j told me to go get ready for the next vid. cuz i dont want to miss ir. aS a future note

2005-12-21T20:45:00.000-08:00

Oh shit.. Im like drunk and shit adn i'm real sik so ya know. j told me to go get ready for the next vid. cuz i dont want to miss ir. aS a future note to myself. dont drink at all. damn im a hit the hey ina munit, im not feelin to well. but im happy that i can still type ok lol hehe. gnite every1. gnite j lmoa. shit i cant hold my alhcohol to be southern. lol.

"..if that's me or not.."

2005-12-21T17:43:00.000-08:00

Damnit.. My mom is convinced that I opened some present or box or something in her room, and I keep telling her that I haven't set foot in her room hardly ever since we moved in here. I normally wouldn't care that she is trying to blame me, because I usually find it rather funny to watch her try and frame things on me. But not now. I'm having too hard of a time already, and I can't stand her constant need to anger me. If only she knew the pain that i'm trying to endure, alone, and the fact that i'm about to be back on the edge.

Im really starting to EXTREMELY dislike everything that my family has been putting me through lately. I don't know why, I mean, i'm a man, it's not like I can't take it. It's just.. Unbearable right now. I don't know whats going on around me, I can't figure it out.

Earlier, when I was fucking around with Kristin, she said she loved me. She fuckin said that she fuckin loved me. I don't know why she said it, I don't understand the cruel pranks that they play. I, stunned, only said "you too" and left it at that. Like I said, I will never understand the cruel pranks that humans play. Appearantly they'll reap what they've been sowing, because I feel it coming along now. I can't bear it too much longer. The built up rage is driving me mad; once again.

I've been looking back on the things that i've been saying recently, and no, I don't think that my problems are as bad as they sound. They're almost pathetic at first glance, but on a deeper inspection, it's easy to tell that i'm about to go insane over these petty occurences. Kristin said something earlier. Something that took me almost to the point of crying. How much alike we are, it's almost unbelievable. How easily it would be for us to be companions; it's amazing at how much we were made for each other. But I couldn't do that. It wouldn't be right; it wouldn't be proper. Even if she did like me, even though she was joking, the only way she could like me at all is because I know about her gifts. And even then, it isn't actually because she likes me, it's just a childish attraction to hope. And I couldn't do that to her. Besides, I don't know if it's me thinking that, or my pathetic problems.

And Val, the cutest thing to ever grace this earth. I don't know why I like her so much; probably because she's so caring. Before her, I don't think anybody, outside of my family and the few friends I had, ever really cared if I were to walk right off of the edge of this planet. And I love the fact that she's so innocent, so childish-yet-mature. Sweet and caring, the only words to describe her. But then again.. I don't know if that's actually me or not.

Rippin Apart

2005-12-20T23:56:00.000-08:00

It's slowly ripping me apart from the insides; it's getting even worse then last time. Last time I still had half of a brain. Last time it happened mixed with both physical and emotional abuse. I was almost begging for it last time; this opportunity to unleash my feelings to someone. But it didn't work out as planned. It backfired. Everything that I had hoped to use as an escape from the pain inside, everything I had hoped to keep me alive, had backfired. And I knew that it was my fault. I shouldn't have acted so swiftly without thinking; should've known that a single person couldn't be expected to accept all of my problems. And I don't blame Brooke for what she did. I would've probably done the same thing. I still have her phone number, too. But she requested that I wouldn't call her anymore; and I respected that wish. Still do..

But it's happening again. Even though it was literally yesterday that I was telling myself that it wouldn't; it is. I don't think that it's going to be as bad this time; but it is inevitably going to happen. No; it won't be as bad. I'm more mature, more capable of dealing (in some cases hiding) my feelings and emotions. But they aren't making it any easier. I don't blame them; how could they know the deadly seeds that they are sowing with their simple, lighthearted words and sentences? I could risk telling them, but they would more then likely take the same actions that Brooke did; to shun and ignore me. But it saddens me deeply, the fact that they try their best efforts to make me laugh, to make me happy; and that everytime they do that, they make it worse.

I brought this upon myself this time, I admit it; but I don't know what to do. I only have two options this time around. I can either tell them and risk everything; our friendship (however shallow it may be), the fact that they, despite their many slaps towards me, still seem to respect me as a human being; as an equal, in a way. Or, I can simply go back towards the path I was on, however; I don't think that Brian will be able to save me this time around. And I can't think of which to do. Either way, I end up heartbroken, in some form or another; and on the edge of dying.

And to some extent, I know I deserve this cruel punishment. It's the consequences of my actions, my horrible thoughts. Damnit, yesterday I was telling myself that I would stop myself from feeling this way; and now, I can't even control my own thoughts. My own mother would stab me (she has every right to) if she knew all of my deprived ideas, my socially perverted thoughts of recent. I want to tell Val and Kristin, I passionately want to reveal my inner demons; but I couldn't. No matter how pathetic my conflicting creatures are, I couldn't unleash them. I don't want to think of the embarressment that I would recieve; and then the pain I would more-then-likely inflict in result.

One of the main things that angered me today (that, to my dismay, was very close to giving away my secret) was when me and Kristin were talking. She made some odd comment about sex or something of the nature, and then she posted where her and her "friend" were talking (flirting). And then she insisted on making jokes about me. With me and my bad memory, I can't remember what exactly was said, but I remember thinking how much she pissed me off. But, once again (history often repeats itself, no?), I started thinking about how much I would like to "talk" to her "friend", thinking that he had put her up to it. There was no way in hell I was blaming her for it; I care too much for her. And had I recieved the opportunity to "talk" to him, I would more-then-likely have killed him. He could've been an amazing person; we could've shared the same amazing tastes in music and games; he could've been a saint for all I know, and I would've wasted his life like he was nothing but street-trash. I would've been nothing but a mindless zombie; a maniac with fighting skills.

This is where I know that i'll have to draw the line soon. I don't know when; but soon i'll have to make a decision; the decision. And while I selfishly hope that i'll be more fortunate this time, i'm going to try my hardest to ensure that they all walk away with as little trouble as possible; I won't be as childish as last time. I'll face it like a man. No matter what the price on my end, no matter what decision I make; i'm going to try and make sure that they go away unbothered (even if that was exactly what I was hoping against last time).

Josh; do you remember the time that we were at the park? When Aaron and that other little dude (I think his name was Kyle, or something of that nature) beat the shit out of David? And we promised him that we wouldn't let them get away without a fight? Hehe I remember exactly what we promised each other that day; that if one of us died (which was likely to have happened to me, since at that time I had no fighting experience), that the other would make sure, no matter what we had to do, that whichever of us died that we would make sure that that person would be buried with Angus Young's guitar; Paul Stanley's Microphone; and Ace Frehley's guitar. As childish as that sounds now, I still think that we would've tried our hardest. I remember us getting into stance, I remember the slight breeze that would occasionally blow sand from the ground; causing my throat to be dryer then hell. Or maybe I was just scared. It could've been both.

But we didn't even get started. My grandfather came up and yelled at me and David to "get our asses in the truck." And even if you didn't know of all the punches he threw at me when nobody was looking, I still deserted you that day. After all, how could I stand up to the biggest assholes in Brookwood if I couldn't even stand up to my own grandfather? I deserted you. I'm sorry that it took so long to admit it. And even if you're not likely to ever see this; I want you to know that i'm not deserting you now. I owe so much to you to leave you. And by the looks of things, since i'm not likely to be alive much longer, I want you to know that i'll stick with you. I'm sorry it took so long to realize and admit this, and i'm sorry that i'll more-then-likely never get to say this to your face. And as sappy and queer as this sounds (and no, I ain't no fag, even though I got nothing against that), i'll never forget the promise we made in the woods that day. I'll always love you like my own flesh-and-blood brother.

And to Ethan; do you remember the time that we were sitting in the grass in P.E.? When that asshole's elbow "accidentally met" the side of my head, and mine collided with yours? It wasn't much pain for long, but when we were called into Mrs. Byrd's office, I cried. I had completely forgotten about you being there in the room; so I let loose. And when I managed to stop my tears, I looked over at you, and I saw a mix of disgust, horror, and concern on your face. After all, who would've figured? I was pretty built (even though more of it was weight then muscle), and as cool as I tried to sound and act, how was anybody supposed to know of all of my emotional and physical insecurities? We didn't talk anymore that day, and it was so close to the last day of school that I somehow managed to "just miss" you everytime I wanted to ask you if you told anyone.

I never really got to ask you, but as i'm looking back on the past, I don't think you told anyone. I trust you. You were always supporting me; even if you didn't take direct action (you were always the saint of our group), you always managed to know what to say and when to say it. And for some reason, I always thought of you as one of the "lesser" members in my small group of friends; I never thought that you were really important. I'm sorry. I truly am. And i'm scared that you'll never know the extent of my sorrow over how I thought about you. Once again.. I trust you. You'll (hopefully) always have the ability to do the right thing.

And for my final apology of today: Anthony. In the beginning, I hated you. I hated you with a passion. And for some reason, I can't recollect when we first started hanging out together. But I do remember this one time, in Mrs. Graves' (I think that was her name) class. We were (using a D&D book) planning the castle that we were going to make together when we were older. And as foolish as it sounds now, we were dead serious. I remember one room; we were gonna call it the "Workout Room" or something. But I think we really wanted to start using it as like a gym or something, where you rent out memberships. Y'know, to get babes hot and sweaty. Hehe.. Anyway, I don't really have much of an apology to make to you. Other then the fact that we never got to pretend to be Final Fantasy VIII characters in that big pile of rocks behind "The Loft".. Y'know.. that old store that Billy used to run? Haha.. I do wanna say thanks, though. For all the shit we've been through. Especially when we used to get people to buy us hentai ('cause real porn wasn't cool enough) and we'd sit back and watch them, thinking that we were the coolest dudes in the world. Good times, good times..

Another post

2005-12-20T12:01:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking alot recently. About life. About my purpose of existence. Would anybody (other then my family, obviously) even realize that I was gone if I were to die? Maybe not. I haven't really accomplished anything in my life worth noticing. Other then the KISS and Aerosmith concert (which, even after I got the pick from that Saliva dude, I still couldn't manage to get it to Josh), I ain't done anything.

Maybe I should increase my efforts. I don't see me doing anything in the far future, and that thought bothers me. Maybe I'll turn out like a good-for-nothing drunk like my old man. I sure as hell hope not, though, because he's beggin for an ass beating. Maybe i'll meet him one day; who knows. Mom probably won't let me until i'm like.. 30 or something. Hmm.. I think I might talk to her about it sometime. I mean, I know where he and my sister lives, but I don't want to go without her permission. After all, he's supposed to be a hell of a dangerous guy, and I ain't in the mood for walking into a fight.

Anyway, it's starting to happen again. After all its occurences, you'd think I would figure out a way to stop it, but so far, i'm just as clueless as the first time. Truth be told, I had planned on staying off of my computer yesterday and not talking to Val and Kristin, but at the last moment I chickened out; figure'd that i'd be fine. And now i'm stuck wandering.. Was that such a wise mood? I don't want to lose the only friends I have to this horrible part of me. It's happened too many times, and it's getting worse every time. The sad thing about it, though, is that it's so ridiculous; so childish. I guess it's the consequences of me not having the ability to keep any real friends. I'm still trying to get in touch with Anthony and Ethan; they know alot of my secrets and problems, and while I trust them with my life, it scares the hell out of me to think that they told anyone. Maybe i'll find a cure one day, maybe a drug that helps, but I doubt it.

There's also Josh, another person that saved my life at many times. I remember it like it was yesterday; the time that we seriously fucked up. He was having some major problems at home, and I was.. well.. take a guess. Anyway, we decided to make a run for it. He actually suprised me one day, he called me over in band class, and he said "Look. It's getting worse, so i'm taking a run for it today. You can either come, or stay back, and I won't mind either way; I trust you'll follow your instincts." And I agreed, I don't know why, but I did it without even thinking. I considered him like my brother, and there wasn't a way in hell that I was going to let him do this alone.

And after we got caught (and yes, we did get caught), I was the one that chose to go peacefully. I knew that what Josh said was true; we were so close to being home-free, all I had to do is run with him. But I was scared. As much as it pissed me off, i'll admit it; I was almost to the point of crying. I was an overweight, under worked scaredy cat, and it showed. But the worst thing about that whole incident was, that even thought I told myself I wasn't (looking back on it I know the truth), I blamed everything on him. And after a few months, we went back to conversing every couple of subjects, and soon, to chatting about every 5 mins. But I don't think he ever forgave me, and I was always too much of a wuss to apologize; I was too cool to apologize to him.

But in the few months before I moved away, I noticed awkward changes in him. He started hanging out with one of the "bad" crowds; his personality was rougher and alot more street-broken. I simply dismissed it as one of the rebellion phases of his teenage years, but lately.. I've been thinking that it was my fault. And to be honest, I worry about him every day. (As far as I know) Blake died, and I don't want to lose Josh, too; no matter how sappy and girly it sounds.

If you ever see this, Josh.. Or Ethan.. Or Anthony; much love. Much love.. Oh, and Anthony? I still have our castle plans. Hehe.. Good times.. Good times..

To My Uncle

2005-12-19T22:18:00.000-08:00

Well.. It certainly took longer then a second for me to post again, eh? Oh well, I got sidetracked with some family issues again. It seems that Christmas is going to be very short this year; without moms bonus, and without my ability to find a job, it looks like I wont be getting much, if anything. And as childish as it sounds, the thought of me not getting any presents pisses me off. But we did manage to get Keith some Spiderman toys, and the rest of the kids some cheap but cool toys. On some of them, I told mom that if they even thought about not keeping them, that I would gladly take em. What can I say, I feel like a young dude again.

Its funny, though. Last Christmas I was almost to the point of crying because I didnt get all the games that I wanted, and this year, as long as the kids are happy, I couldnt care less if I get anything or not. In the brief visits that I live with Brian, Charlotte, and the kids, I seem to have somehow gained quite a bit of maturity. I remember, not too long ago, that I was scared to even think about working. I believed that a job was for someone without money like us, and damn do I hate the way I acted. After Billy and mom called it quits (permanently), we lost a lot more money then I thought we would. Now moms working a hell of a lot of overtime, and we still arent near the amount of money that we had. And while, in a way, I love mom for giving me all the toys and freedoms that she did, Im starting to dislike the fact that she didnt prepare me for adulthood as much as she could. I mean, ever since me and Josh tried to run away, Ive pretty much been forced into maturity. I know its not her fault; it was bound to happen sooner or later, but I dont want to accept this without a fight (another sign that Im still immature).

But back to my visits. Brian hasnt always been my favorite uncle. In fact, up until a few years ago, I tried to avoid him. I considered him below me, I couldnt have cared if he had died at that very moment. But then when I entered my teenage years, I realized I didnt have any adult males to talk to (other then Billy, which it wouldnt have helped trying to talk to him, anyway). I was practically alone as I was taking my first steps into a whole new world. And frankly, it scared the hell out of me. Mom spent major cash on all these self-help books for teens, but they never really helped; they were all written by men who, even with their hardest efforts, just couldnt make any sense. And after all my cries of distress; the runaway attempts, the suicide attempts, the odd attempts of trying to outsmart my mom; nobody seemed to listen. Even the therapists, with all their knowledge and wisdom, wrote me off as a poser; somebody looking for attention. And just as I was preparing to make my final stand, Brian came in. Im pretty sure that he wasnt aware of what I was doing, of what he just did; but he saved my life. I was on my final thin thread of hope, and he came to the rescue. You wanna come play some PlayStation with me? Was what he said, not knowing that out of his boredom came my salvation. And to this day, I am still grateful.

Thats why I always go to his house whenever he asks me to. Even though I hate Charlotte with a passion, I come down. Mom is always telling me that I should stop looking up to him so much, that I should be out with friends my age. But shell never understand why Im devoted to him. If he asked me to, Im pretty sure that Id rob a bank. I wouldnt necessarily want to, but I would remind myself of all the times hes helped me through my awkward teenage years. Of all the times hes answered my embarrassing questions about life, and sex, and everything else that nobody would answer. Of all the fun weve had playing video games, working together, and joking around on the internet. Of all the times that hes saved my life.

It sounds like Im obsessed with him, I know. But he is the only father-figure I have right now, its like were practically brothers. I seem to always know what hes thinking, and vice-versa. I was smiling to myself for hours the first time that we said the same thing at the exact same time. Even though we were extremely angry, and what we said was Shut the f**k up!, we both smiled at each other and kept looking forward. I was happy that whole day, just because of that one half-a-min sentence, and the fact that we were practically thinking with the same brain.

Im pretty sure it isnt healthy that I think so highly of him, but I cant help it. And even if hell probably never see this, this is my testimony, if thats even the word for it, of my gratitude. Thanks man. Youll never know how much I love you.

First Post

2005-12-09T10:51:00.000-08:00

Yep.. It's my n00b post. Ignore it, if at all possible. More to come in a sec.